Billie Eilish’s ‘L‘Amour de Ma Vie’ Lyrics Seem to be a Breakup Letter to Jesse Rutherford, With a Plot Twist

Billie Eilish seems to delve into the feelings about her breakup from Jesse Rutherford throughout her new album, HIT ME HARD AND SOFT. But perhaps the track that most explores Rutherford’s place in her life is “L’Amour de Ma Vie,” which is French for “the love of my life.”

In the two-part song, Eilish first explores her feelings toward her partner post-breakup. She retracts her declaration that they’re the love of her life and explores the aftermath of that breakup, including the betrayal she felt when they moved on so quickly.

The second part puts a twist on the traditional breakup song, as she shares her reconnection with her partner’s other ex, particularly in verses, “Wanna know what I told her / With her hand on my shoulder? / You were so mediocre / And we’re so glad it’s over now” and “Caught on camera / The girls on camera / Your girl’s a fan of— / Miss me / Say you miss me / It’s such a pity / We’re both so pretty.”

So how is the song about Rutherford? And which ex of his is she singing about? Here’s some context on their history.

Eilish was first linked to Rutherford in fall 2022. She confirmed they were dating that October and went Instagram official on Halloween. She gushed about him to Vanity Fair in an interview filmed that same month: “I managed to get my way to a point in my life where I not only was known by a person that I thought was the hottest fucking fucker alive, but pulled his ass,” she said. “Are you kidding me? Can we just—round of applause for me? Thank you. Jesse Rutherford, everyone! I pulled his ass—all me! I did that shit. I locked that motherfucker down.”

Instagram

Their relationship endured until spring 2023. Eilish’s rep shut down speculation of Rutherford cheating on May 17 and said, “We can confirm Billie and Jesse did split amicably and remain good friends.”

Michael Tran//Getty Images

The ex-girlfriend Eilish is singing about is likely Devon Lee Carlson. Rutherford and Carlson dated from 2015 t0 2021, Entertainment Tonight reported.

jesse rutherford and devon carlson in june 2019

WWD//Getty Images

Rutherford and Carlson in June 2019

Eilish also appears to sing about Carlson on track “Wildflower.” She suggests in that track they were friends before Eilish dated Rutherford, and that caused her enormous guilt while with Rutherford. (Eilish’s title could be seen itself as a nod to Carlson, as Carlson has a company called Wildflower Cases.)

While on Halloween 2022, Eilish went Instagram official with Rutherford, a year later, she made headlines for her surprise moment with Carlson.

On October 28, 2023, Eilish and Carlson were photographed holding hands at a Halloween party, which may be what Eilish is referring to in the second part of the song (particularly in the “caught on camera” verse).

If anything, “L’Amour de Ma Vie” explores the depth of what Eilish felt as a major romance in her life ended, along with the comfort she received from reconnecting with her ex’s ex as they both moved forward.

Eilish is very warm toward her ex-partner in the chorus of “L’Amour de Ma Vie.” That is echoed in the way she spoke about Rutherford in her April cover story with Rolling Stone, via Billboard. Rolling Stone published what she said about him today. “That’s my guy, truly one of my favorite people in the world,” she said. She also joked about her lack of desire to date, saying, “I plan on never dating again. That’s not true, obviously. But no, I don’t see myself being serious with anyone until I find someone that really feels right to me, and that is not interesting to me right now.”

Here, the lyrics of “L’Amour de Ma Vie” and the song below:

Part I

Chorus

I wish you the best for the rest of your life
Felt sorry for you when I looked in your eyes
But I need to confess, I told you a lie
I said you
You were the love of my life
The love of my life

Verse 1

Did I break your heart?
Did I waste your time?
I tried to be there for you
Then you tried to break mine

Refrain
It isn’t asking for a lot for an apology
For making me feel like it’d kill you if I tried to leave
You said you’d never fall in love again because of me
Then you moved on immediately (Bum, bum, bum)

Chorus

But I wish you the best for the rest of your life
Felt sorry for you when I looked in your eyes
But I need to confess, I told you a lie (Told you a lie)
When I said you (I said you)
You (You) were the love of my life
The love of my life

Verse 2
So you found her, now go fall in love (Go fall in love)
Just like we were if I ever was (If I ever was)
It’s not my fault, I did what I could (Did what I could)
You made it so hard like I knew you would

Bridge

Thought I was depressed or losing my mind
My stomach upset almost all of the time
But after I left, it was obvious why (Oh), mm
Because for you, you
I was the love of your life, mm
But you were not mine (But you were not mine)

Refrain

It isn’t asking for a lot for an apology
For making me feel like it’d kill you if I tried to leave
You said you’d never fall in love again because of me
Then you moved on, then you moved on
Then you moved on, then you moved on
Then you moved on, then you moved on

Part II

Verse
Ooh
You wanted to keep it
Like somethin’ you found
’Til you didn’t need it
But you should’ve seen it
The way it went down
Wouldn’t believe it
Wanna know what I told her
With her hand on my shoulder?
You were so mediocre
And we’re so glad it’s over now
It’s over now
It’s over now
It’s over now

Outro
Camera
Caught on camera
The girls on camera
Your girl’s a fan of—
Miss me
Say you miss me
It’s such a pity
We’re both so pretty