Alicia Mccarvell had avoided the beach for years. But now that the popular TikTok creator is on a journey of self-love and acceptance, she’s looking back at what she deprived herself of, which she says brought on a wave of grief. In a powerful Instagram post, Mccarvell shared a series of photos from a recent beach day with her husband, Scott. “I am so proud of my journey, and how far I have come but I would be lying to you if I told you it didn’t come with grief,” she wrote. “I experience this grief every time I do something I held myself back from just a few years ago.”
In her post, Mccarvell detailed the beautiful day surrounded by the water, nature, and her partner of 15 years. But she also admitted that no healing process is linear, and it comes with many emotions. Among all the beauty, Mccarvell said, “I was grieving.”
“Every time I take a photo, without thinking twice of the result, I grieve the years of my life that I have none. Every time I step on a beach and into the water I grieve the years I spent missing out,” Mccarvell wrote. “For me I have joy, and I’m grieving all the years I allowed myself to live without it.”
Mccarvell also reflected on a conversation she had with her husband that almost made her “sob right then and there.” When she asked Scott how he felt about never going to the beach previously, he said, “I’m your partner, I’m never supposed to make you do things you aren’t comfortable with.” We’ve always appreciated their loving relationship, but their unwavering support for each other during these important moments is admirable.
She ended her post with an encouraging message about how these emotions are all part of the process. “Please know that as you learn to live your life for you, as you separate your worth from your body and as you start to allow yourself joy — grief will be there and it’s a sign of success.” We’re grateful to Mccarvell for sharing all the sides that come with self-love and healing.
@aliciamccarvell
This past weekend Scott and I were at the beach, and while we were swimming I was followed by this overwhelming feeling of grief. I am so proud of my journey, and how far I have come but I would be lying to you if I told you it didn’t come with grief. I experience this grief every time I do something I held myself back from just a few years ago. There we were, with the Cabot Trail around us, a beautiful day, and crisp water and instead of soaking in the joy and bliss – I am grieving. I looked at Scott and I said “how come you were okay with never going to the beach back then” and he looked at me as said “I’m your partner, I’m never supposed to make you do things you aren’t comfortable with” and I could have sobbed right then and there. Every time I experience a joy that I know I’ve deprived myself off in the past, I grieve the years I lost not doing it. Every time I take a photo, without thinking twice of the result, I grieve the years of my life that I have none. Every time I step on a beach, and into the water I grieve the years I spent missing out. I talk about moving past it, and living my life to the fullest, but I don’t talk about the grief that comes along with it. Normally we experience the joy and the grief comes when we lose it – but for me I have joy, and I’m grieving all the years I I allowed myself to live without it. Like any other grief, it is accompanied by what ifs and how comes I’ll never get the answers to. Like any other grief, it comes with an overwhelming sadness, even when completely surrounded by joy. Like any other grief, it lingers, even when you think you’ve done your healing. I grieve because I now know what I was missing. I grieve because I could have been a better friend, a better partner, a better sister. I grieve because my life could have been fuller. I grieve because I know I’ll never get that time back. I grieve because it’s part of the process. Please know that as you learn to live your life for you, as you separate your worth from your body and as you start to allow yourself joy – grief will be there and it is a sign of success.