In the 19th century, the concept of marriage for economic purposes slowly fell out of favor with marriage and courtship for romance. (Or if you’ve binge-watched season 3 of Bridgerton, the rise in popularity of a “love match”). Young singles began to have more choices when selecting romantic prospects rather than familial arrangements. It even led to matrimonial advertisements, where eligible singles would publish open calls in periodicals to pursue romantic companionship. Of course, the embrace of courtship in the name of romance was occurring while the possibilities of romantic love were limited in heteronormative rigidity.
By the 20th century, correspondence between prospective “love matches” (those often privileged in the middle and upper classes) happened through love letters. And by the 21st century, iconic romantic comedies such as You’ve Got Mail perpetuated the exchange of a love letter to email, AOL style (thank you, Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks). As time moved into the mid-2010s, dating apps became the modern equivalent to the romantic adverts once printed in periodicals, regardless of whether having a dating profile was for a committed partnership, a casual fling, a one-night stand, or even just the ego-seeking validation.
In 2017, the term “gatsbying” was coined on Reddit as a millennial dating trend that pays homage to the literary classic The Great Gatsby by Scott F. Fitzgerald. It is defined by posting online, whether a thirst trap or extravagant lifestyle content, in hopes that your crush will view it; similar to how Gatsby threw lavish parties to capture Daisy Buchanan’s attention.
Today, the green light isn’t glowing at the end of Buchanan’s dock as a symbol of hope; it’s a fluorescent ring around your circular Instagram avatar. It’s partially embarrassing, and only human to pine for a crush to pay you online attention (even if it’s mindless or the bare minimum). It’s a particularly stagnant time in dating as virtual situationships are becoming more commonplace with URL pen pals. Etiquette around dating is more complex than it once was, happening less and less IRL. Sites like Missed You NYC and Craigslist’s infamous missed connections highlight how open calls for by-chance and fleeting romantic encounters end up online.
“Sliding into the DMs,” and even hearting (again, bare minimum) an Instagram story post of a crush is increasingly being perceived as flirting or “shooting your shot.” Our personal social media accounts are primed as the latest hellscape for the potential romantic prospect. People are increasingly experiencing exhaustive dating app burnout; it’s recently been purported that Instagram is the hottest dating app. We’re in a precarious time for dating apps overall, as speed dating has made a comeback, and the online signaling for pursuit is ambiguous and inescapable for singles glued to their phones with open hearts.
In April, when popstar Tinashe released her latest song, “Nasty,” her most pressing lyrical question hit all corners of the internet: Is somebody gonna match my freak? As the song’s virality increased, so did the number of people publicly posting—half-heartedly and half-jokingly—which hyper-specific hobbies and qualities, in fact,“match their freak.” From calls on X for somebody to “watch 4 hours of real housewives straight without moving” to calls asking to “also match my romance, intention, honesty, willingness, [and] communication.” One user even wrote,“‘match my freak’ has quickly become part of my permanent vocabulary.”
The burgeoning catchphrase aligns with pick-up lines and virtual open calls for romantic prospects; it’s essentially shorthand for singles to express availability. Several weekends ago, I was at a friend’s wedding when a person I had just met at the reception asked, “What matches your freak?” and that’s when I realized Tinashe had pierced us into the vernacular of nasty. “The reason why it’s so popular is that it’s a funny way to say ‘I’m single,’and it’s a hilarious phrase out of context under the guise of a meme,” comedian Keara Sullivan shares with ELLE.com. Content creator Morgan Pate defines the phrase as “someone that can be a romantic partner or even just a friend,” she says. “When you say you want someone to ‘match your freak,’ you’re wanting someone to go day-by-day with you and do the things that you love doing, but together.”
Lately, the lexicon of the zeitgeist has been dictated by viral pop song sound bites, lyrics dissected for widespread significance and cultural meanings. For example, Sabrina Carpenter singing in her latest single, “Please Please Please,” for her companion to “not embarrass her,” was extrapolated into the discourse of how “having a man has become a liability for embarrassment” amongst women and girls. And even for the release of Charli XCX’s album Brat, the simple lime green cover art quickly became memeified, unavoidable to the FYP timeline.
We are at a paradigm where pop culture (in this case, pop music) is a cultural touchstone for people to discuss and make light of their strides for in-person connection in bite-sized meme form, especially regarding relationships and romantic longing. The viral song, “Looking for a Man in Finance” by @girl_on_couch went from soundbite to a sweeping call for a dating preference, and “the song shows how far reaching the memeification of our dating preferences can go,” shares culture writer and publicist Sara Radin, noting how “Date Me” Google Docs have also hyper-optimized dating pursuits. We are essentially memeifying ourselves into open calls for romantic correspondence in the digital echo chamber. “It’s almost like social media gives you possible irons in the fire that you could end up with or have a crush on. This guy who is in the comedy scene, who I’ve never met, sees a lot of my stories,” says Sullivan. “It’s a great barometer for gauging interest with someone.”
She cites the rapid loss of third spaces as a reason these memeified touchstones spread like rapid fire for para-social fixation. The lack of third spaces has greatly impacted courtship amongst romantic prospects. In exchange for virtual vagueness and pixelated sweet nothings, it has turned in-person pursuit into a rarity. It is continually reported that we are in a loneliness epidemic, particularly for single men as celibacy is increasingly popular among women frustrated with hookup culture and the total nightmare of dating. At the same time, reproductive rights continue to be systematically dismantled.
In another recent TikTok trend, people re-shared posts they made to attract engagement with a crush, showing the embarrassing lengths they would go for attention. (It was less about extravagant displays like private jets or Michelin-star meals, and more about channeling a person’s hyper-specific hobby or music tastes, like, say being a One Direction fan.) “We’ve always curated our timelines or our social media persona to a particular audience,” says sociologist Dr. Skyler Wang, who specializes in research on how digital platforms shape modern intimacies and relationships. Wang explains that most people think of strategy and curation inherently when online (i.e. sharing a highlight reel and creating an online persona), especially as people are stepping out of the dating app ecosystem in preference for “off-label use” of personal accounts to forge a romantic connection. Curating social media to pique a crush’s interest isn’t that different from real life. “In the offline world, we do that when our crush is at the same event or dinner; we put on a nicer dress, we put on makeup, we alter the self to present a more attractive side. This is just in a different modality,” says Wang.
Modern-day courtship and its etiquette are a far cry from the love letters written and wax-sealed in the 20th century, and so is how we are coming to recognize and define romantic love. “We’re trending towards an era where most people find it really hard to find a partner if they’re not online,” Wang shares with ELLE.com. Whether it’s a dating app or having a virtual pen pal in the DMs, these continual online trends emphasize that singles in 2024 have an overwhelming desire for a connection that isn’t tangible but feels within reach when expressed through a meme. And though we all need to go outside and touch some grass, maybe at the end of the day, we’re all calling out for somebody to match the little nasty freak that lives inside every one of us pining for a love match.
Maria Santa Poggi is a freelance writer. Her work has appeared in Vogue, Teen Vogue, Rolling Stone, InStyle, and Harper’s Bazaar, amongst other publications. She currently is an MFA candidate at Sarah Lawrence College.